Talk Less, Listen More

by Lynne Gonski

Lynne Gonski is a therapist with Hunterdon Behavioral Health’s School-Based Youth Services. She is also an adjunct associate professor of psychology at Raritan Valley Community College.  To reach Lynne contact Hunterdon Behavioral Health at 908-788-6401.

Published March 22, 2010

Of all of the advice that is promoted to parents, one of the most consistent recommendations is to talk to kids. Discussions might address substance abuse, choice of friends or the importance of academics, but the common thread that runs through them is the idea that talking to kids is a sort of “Good Parent” stamp – that it helps to teach values, foster a positive sense of self and encourage kids’ personal and academic best. However, the best way to connect with kids is not by talking, but by learning to listen. For parents who are frustrated by conversations with their kids that seem to always end in arguments, or are afraid of what their child’s increasing silence may mean, learning to shift from a talking mode to a listening mode is the single most important tool to develop.

What does listening do for kids? A ton. First, it conveys tremendous respect – and reciprocal respect is the basis of almost all healthy, positive and effective parent/child interactions. Give this reciprocity time, though – I have seen much damage done to relationships by parents who demand respect either before they have earned it, or before the child is capable of showing this complex feeling. (And no typo there – you do have to earn your kids’ respect. This seems to chafe against some parents – but asking kids to defer to you even though you may be critical and negative is not respect, it’s fear. Asking kids to genuinely respect parents “just because” they are parents is like asking you to really respect your boss just because you two work together).

Listening to kids also helps them validate their own experience. By acting as a  sounding board, we help kids believe that what they think and feel is valid and important – critical skills as they grow up and face an array of often scary peer pressures. Listening to kids is one of the best ways to teach kids to believe in who they are.

Emotionally, listening is incredibly powerful. Being listened to by an adult tells kids that they are important and worthy – and kids who feel that way are much more likely to act that way. Kids who are valued learn to value themselves. In addition, listening provides kids with a place to vent feelings that might otherwise build up. If all kids were allowed to say what they feel – even when those feelings are not pleasant or “nice” – counselors might be out of work.

Listening also confers great benefits on parents. When a child shares his thoughts and feelings, parents feel not only better about the job they are doing, but less fearful, since information is a powerful salve for doubt.

Here, then, is a sure-fire way to positively impact your kids. It’s simple, readily available, and, unlike tutoring programs and violin lessons, doesn’t cost a thing.

Here’s how to get started: for the next week, commit to noticing when you are about to tell your kids how to feel or think or what to believe – and listen instead. You may find that the changes you see in your child and in yourself foster a curious state of mind for the topic of the next column – specific, put-in-your-pocket tips on how to listen well.