Graduation's Over - Now What?
By Lynne Gonski
Published July 26, 2010
High school graduation is a time filled with smiles and accomplishments, parties and celebrations; it is, for most families, a peak developmental marker. It is also, however, for many families, a time that is fraught with tremendous uncertainty and trepidation – on the part of both teenagers and parents. According to Dr. Brad Sachs, author of Emptying the Nest: Launching Your Young Adult Toward Success and Self-Reliance, the once-straight-forward process of graduating high school and moving seamlessly into adult life has become complicated by teenagers who don’t appear to want to grow up, and by adults who don’t seem to want to let go.
Dr. Sachs notes that there have always been challenges faced by teenagers as they venture out into the adult world; but today’s society poses some unique hurdles to a successful teen-to-adult transition. One of these is the “uber-parenting” that has become so prevalent – parents’ micromanagement of their children’s lives results in “family connectedness [that borders] on engulfment”, which makes independence more difficult to achieve than in previous generations. After years of over-involvement in kids’ lives, parents, Sachs notes, can be very ambivalent about giving up the “job” they have had for so many years.
Smaller family size also plays a role. In past generations, when parents had 5 or 6 children, the focus was more diffuse, allowing each child more latitude to “break free” and move away from family into an independent life. Today’s families of 2 or 3 kids promote greater concentration and scrutiny on each child, making independence a more emotionally tense journey.
Sachs notes that technology is another factor that contributes to making independence harder to achieve for today’s teens. Years of parents being able to stay in constant touch through frequent texting and weekly homework checks on PowerSchool have created “electronic umbilical cords” that serve to tether kids to parents – and parents to kids – and make eventual separation more difficult.
Another factor, says Sachs, that hampers independence, is that because of the number of student who have been diagnosed with ADHD or a learning disability, many parents have become used to being an “educational advocate” for their child: “After a decade or more of having their education industriously sculpted by their parents…it should come as no surprise that [kids’] capacity to function independently, both in college and beyond, is at times compromised.”
The difficult economy presents a very real challenge to young people who are trying to achieve independence. Combined with the relative affluence many of our children have grown up with, never needing to worry about how “to buy that $5 grande mocha latte”, economic issues serve as another force that keeps teenagers stuck in a dependent mode.
Finally, Sachs notes that we convey a very mixed message to teen about the value of becoming an adult. Years ago, adults “had the answers” and young people tried to look and act older in an effort to be a “grown-up” . Today, adults try to look “young, hip and fashionable” and turn to young people for help with technology – it’s no wonder, he says, that teenagers are wondering if they really want to become an adult: “It’s as if our society is turning upside down, with…adults devolving downward toward youth, rather than young people evolving up toward adulthood.”
Sachs acknowledges that we can’t do much about societal forces, like technology and the economy; we can, however, decide how we will respond to them. In the next column, more on Sachs’ advice on how to help both teenager and parent prepare for a child’s leaving home.
Lynne Gonski is a therapist with Hunterdon Behavior Health’s School Based Youth Services. She is also an adjunct professor at Raritan Valley Community College. Lynne's monthly column Parents' Manual is published in the Hunterdon County Observer.