Graduation's Over - Now What? - Part 2

By Lynne Gonski

Published July 28, 2010

Teenagers and parents alike look forward with giddy anticipation to high school graduation – to teens, it means the end of a childish script and a catapult into the adult world of college or work; to adults, it means a reward for long years of parenting, and a liberation from daily parenting duties, and they look to see their children surge confidently forward into the world. Unfortunately, according to Dr. Brad Sachs, author of Emptying the Nest: Launching Your Young Adult Toward Success and Self-Reliance, these dreams of students and parents often fail to materialize. In the last column, we looked at some social forces that Sachs feels work to make the transition to adulthood more difficult for this generation of teenagers; now, we examine Sachs’ contention that what determines the child’s ability to leave the nest is not his temperament or abilities, but rather the family climate.

In  the “Centripetal” family, forces work to pull teens inward, and  loyalty to family is the predominant mandate; seeking a life outside family violates an unspoken code. Parents convey this philosophy in a number of ways: by imposing their own ideas so that the teenager never learns to think for himself; by making the outside world seem like a dangerous place; by coddling, so that kids don’t develop the skills they need for the outside world; and by inducing guilt by reminding often about how much they have sacrificed.

Unfortunately, says Sachs, “This dynamic leaves few good options open to teenagers, as they seek independence. Some teens sacrifice their plans, and give in to the family’s demands for solidarity; others seek out some semblance of individuality in “alternate worlds”, like computer games or social networking; still others will plan a desperate “escape”: “…suffocated young adults…dream up half-baked plans for departure, schemes that eventually [fail]…”

In the “Centrifugal” family, forces work to propel the teenager out before he is ready. Sometimes, Sachs says, “This is a long-standing attitude; sometimes, it reflects a new desire on parents’ part to move on to the next phase of their lives. Either way, parents begin to convey a “the sooner, the better” attitude, and kids are sent our into the world “psychologically empty-handed”. They are deprived, says Sachs, of “going through…the normal family conflicts that need to be sorted out…” Parents will often justify this premature dismissal by saying that they are promoting their child’s independence; but the teen nevertheless is sent out into the world without the coping strategies he needs.

Here, too, says Sachs, the options this climate leaves the teenager are poor: some engage in troublesome behaviors, in an attempt to at least create and control their dismissal from the family; others become resistant, refusing to move on into adulthood.

The goal of understanding these family styles, says Sachs, is not to simply label your own family, but to become more aware of how the forces that operate within your family may be hindering your teenager’s march to independence. The best climate for kids, says Sachs, is one that gives both “roots and wings”, one in which teens are both nurtured in small doses, and gently encouraged forward.

The climate within the family, however, is just one factor that impacts teenagers’ ability to leave the nest; in the next column, we’ll see how parents’ mindset – our willingness to let our child chart their own course, and our ability to broker a new adult relationship with our teenager – not only help our teenager move out, but help us move on as well.

 Lynne Gonski is a therapist with Hunterdon Behavior Health’s School Based Youth Services.  She is also an adjunct professor at Raritan Valley Community College.  Lynne's monthly column Parents' Manual is published in the Hunterdon County Observer.