Parent’s Perspective Alleviates “Attitude”
By Lynne Gonski, Therapist, School Based Youth Services, Hunterdon Behavioral Health
Published May 24, 2010
Parents of 8-year-olds and parents of 18-year-olds deal with a variety of issues that differ because of the age of their kids, but there is one commonality that they likely share: frustration when their kids give them “attitude”. Two weeks ago, this column explored the idea that fear, uncertainty and a desire for independence often underlie kids’ sharp responses. Today, we look at how a change in perspective on parents’ part goes a long way towards alleviating “attitude” on kids’ part.
For those parents who are asking, “Wait – my kid’s the one with the problem – why do I have to change?”, the answer is this: the parent-child relationship is like a dance, and any change in step that we make can’t help but impact the steps your child is taking. Don’t miss out on a crucial avenue of influence by taking the old (and unfair) view that all of the heavy lifting must be done by your child; entertaining a new perspective on issues provides you with a powerful and unique way to encourage your kid’s best.
One change in perspective that helps is for parents to come to appreciate the validity – and the value -- of give-and-take with children. For parents who were brought up to believe that “adults are always right”, this can be a particular challenge, but it is worth the effort. Kids find it maddening when parents “cut them off” by labeling their genuine expressions of feeling “attitude”. Then what happens is you’ve really got attitude. Shifting your perspective to one that acknowledges kids’ right to express disappointment, disagreement and even anger with you allows you to view kids’ expressions more benignly – and to respond more compassionately and rationally.
Another change in perspective that helps to mitigate “attitude” is try not to be afraid. Many times, parents’ react to kids’ strong emotions out of fear that to allow these is to allow disrespect. The key here is that parents don’t have to accept outright rudeness; kids can be asked not to curse, but can still be allowed to express strong feelings. Parents also fear that allowing free expression of feelings somehow cedes power in the relationship. In fact, nothing makes you stronger, in your kids’ eyes, than to be able to hear strong feelings and remain even-keel.
There is magic that happens when parents can learn to shift from an “attitude” place to a more neutral “expression of feelings” place: as you make this shift, so will your kid. Yes: the less “attitude” you perceive your kid as having, the less anger he’ll have. This is a strange, but wonderful human phenomenon: we can mold behavior simply by treating people as if they already possess the behavior we want to see. If you treat your kid as if he’s giving you “attitude”, you’re going to get a lot of that. Remarkably, if you treat your kid as if he entitled to have and express a wide range of emotions, you will elicit his rational side.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “When all you’ve got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” This week, use a new tool from the toolbox; you will be surprised at what you see in your kids.